Tuesday, July 05, 2005


Recently, I was asked at work to respond to questions regarding some of our business practices for a coworker who happens to be taking his MBA. As it may already be apparent, I become somewhat lost when attempting to decipher advanced business jargon. However, I was able to synergize my assets, correlate my paradigms, and eventually, through proactive means, do nothing productive at all. What follows, in its entirety, is what I did instead. Enjoy.

A. Internal Elements:
i: Does the company have high level marketing champions?

Until recently, our company was lacking high level marketing champions. Our marketing forces were besieged from forces from within and without. At this point, we were forced to travel to a far off village where it had been foretold that a humble farmer would become the champion we were seeking. Through extensive practice of grammar, adventure, and DTR reports, this humble farmer became the high level marketing champion whom was born to lead us. Unfortunately, he was fired 3 months ago for theft of company property*. Currently, we are making do with the services of a level 22 Elfin Druid** until the position can be filled.

* A (+4) Charisma “Leadership” Plaque. The one with the eagle from the upstairs bathroom.
** Kardokk, from receivables.

ii: Does the company have an internal structure and processes conducive to CRM (Customer Relationship Management)?

Our company’s internal structure and process is designed to be enigmatic and impenetrable by the layperson, but succeeds in being completely enigmatic and impenetrable to the trained professional.

As far as I can tell, the process goes like this: The customer enters a location and conducts his or her business transaction. Customers are then shuffled into another section where they are forced to read terrible magazines* and watch terrible television shows* for several hours. At this point, digestion is completed and the customer is secreted from the location. He is handed a flyer with a coupon good for $5.00 off his next visit.

*Power Cats, Magazine Enthusiast.
**Country Music’s Worst Drivers!, Power Cats: The TV special

iii: Does the company have an appropriate (or any?) value proposition for its customers?

Our company does not have an appropriate value proposition. I should also note that our Employee Handbook states that under no exception are employees to proposition our customers. However, our inappropriate value proposition for our customers is $50.00, unless they are either (A) very pretty, or we are (B) very lonely*.

*also (C) wanna get all up in that, yo.

iv: Are the company’s employees motivated towards and knowledgeable about CRM?

Our employees, when not currently looking up the meaning of the phrase “Customer Relationship Management”, are amongst the most knowledgeable and motivated as it pertains to our CRM. Sometimes they start becoming so knowledgeable and motivated towards the CRM that industry awards sometime appear spontaneously out of nowhere* and rain down on all of us, showering us with the benefits of hard work and diligence**

*The Sponty.
**Soft Tissue Injuries.

B. External Elements:
i: Does the company have clearly distinguished and well formed customer acquisition and retention strategies in place?

Our company does have a clearly distinguished and well formed customer acquisition strategy, so much so that we tend to ignore our regular customer acquisition strategies.

The first prong of our clearly distinguished and well formed customer acquisition strategy is to seek out anyone wearing a monocle; this person is clearly distinguished* as it were, and worthy of our attention. Our second prong is for us to physically grope individuals until we can get a handle on how well formed they may be. Soft and supple equals sales, as I always say. The third prong is invisible**.

*we will also accept people who use the phrase “as it were”.

ii: Do other companies within their channel of distribution add to or distract from customer value?

As most educated people know and that is confirmed through repeated viewing of television shows such as Cops and CSI: Miami, the channel of distribution almost always ends in a tanned man in a white suit who is almost always the last one you’d suspect if you hadn’t already graduated from prenatal care. As far as it pertains to customer value, Cops hasn’t really been able to hold a viewership for a decade and CSI: Miami makes CSI: New York look like CSI: Las Vegas*.

*Ooh, Snap!

iii: Does the internet play a role in customer value in this context?

According to a recent internet poll by the esteemed pollsters at Zogby (Motto: Polls? You’re soaking in ‘em!), people on the internet are not particularly interested in doing polls. In fact, it seems as though most of the internet is dedicated towards medically enhancing our polls, making them bigger, stronger, and capable of larger samples; a poll that could be waved in our competitors faces, shaking their spirits and their polls to the core of their being*.

The question of customer value on the internet is one that is obviously of deep concern to our company. The importance of this issue is displayed upon entering each store. At any point in time, several or sometimes all employees are busily engaged in internet research; dedicated employees determined to gauge customer value by checking to see how crazy-loco Tom Cruise is now, or to see the latest video of a cat falling off of an ottoman. We are leap years ahead of our competitors in this; the latest aspect of the electronic age**.

*Delicious nougat.
**31, but looks 27.


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