Tuesday, April 04, 2006

So maybe I got a bit heavy with the stuff about balls.

Due to recent illness (and a general crappiness of selection), I've been unable (or unwilling!) to see any movies for the last three months.

Luckily, that's never stopped me making reviews before (As though anybody actually watched Must Love Dogs).

Inside Man
Judging from the title, this is a documentary of Denzel Washington's most recent colonoscopy (or gay porn!*).

I'm just kidding, all you Denzel fans!

This film is a long and winding tale, filled with twists you'd never expect, much like a colonoscopy.

Shining Moment:
The part in the ad where Denzel goes, "This isn't a bank robbery!" and then the ad ends and The Simpsons comes back on.

Sucking Moment (Spoiler Alert!):
After all the twists and turns in the plot, they find the one character who has been responsible for everything; an impacted bowel (Played menacingly by Ed Harris).

*or both you sickos.

Ice Age: The Meltdown

Imagine if you took all the funny parts out of the first Ice Age...then you'd have something pretty similar to the first Ice Age. Y'know, except with Queen Latifah.

Shining Moment:
Ice Ice Baby! Man, I love that Fucking SONG! BOO YEAH!!!!!!!! Isn't it awesome that they can use that? It makes the movie so much more street. Plus, it probably cost, like, 4 dollars.

Sucking Moment:
Do you remember the first movie? Do you remember what the baby looked like?

It looked like a football brought to life through some kind of magical means (but with a learning disability). This one has Queen Latifah.

16 Blocks
Would you like to see what happens if you cram together ten years of rejected Die Hard 4 scripts? Would anybody?

Shining Moment:
A lot can happen in 16 blocks.

Sucking Moment:
But not much does*.

*If I ever met Mos Def I'd yell, "What?", everytime he said anything and then explain that I was Mostly Def. Then I would laugh my fucking ass off. Cause I would be SO drunk if I ever met Mos Def.

V for Vendetta: The Imax Version
Why the Imax Version? Cause if I was going to take a shit, I'd rather it be a HUGE shit.

Shining Moment:
It is based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore (Watchmen, Bitches!)

Sucking Moment:
It is based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore (The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Bitches!).

Failure to Launch
A friend of mine has this shirt that says "Let's do Launch" and it has a picture of a spaceship on it. It's so awesome.

Shining Moment:
My girlfriend thinks it looks pretty shitty so I don't have to see it (and my girl loves the shit. She loves shit so much she could spread it on toast).

Sucking Moment:
Sarah Jessica Parker creeps me out. Seriously. Totally not even kidding. She scares me more than a snuff film featuring my childhood pets*.

*Axl, Slash, Superfish, Old Moldy Sandwich (literally, an old moldy sandwich), and Hudson.

Memoirs of a Geisha
Hmm...what would a geisha remember? Balls, I guess. Yeah, probably lots of balls.

Shining Moment:
Beautiful Cinematography...of balls.

Sucking Moment:
She's a geisha. There's probably lots of sucking moments...with balls.

The Hills Have Eyes
Rejected first titles included: The Hills Have Balls.

Shining Moment:
The idea of a forgotten caste of irradiated populace is politically relevant nowadays.

Sucking Moment:
That left-leaning son of a bitch.

Date Movie
I already have a date movie*; it's called "eyes wide shut" and besides being arty and pretentious, it also has boobs. So there. Pffttt.

Shining Moment:
Skewers the conventions of standard romances.

Sucking Moment:
Uses the conventions of standard parodies.

*True Story! Ask my girlfriend! She almost broke up with me! On our first date! I'm awesome!

Neil Young: Heart of Gold
See also Neil Young: Brain of Putty.

Shining Moment:
Sequel to feature Blondie: Heart of Glass.

Sucking Moment:
Previous film entitled Gordon Lightfoot: Intestines of Christmas Lights.

She's the Man
Won an Oscar (maybe) for it's stars brilliant portrayal of a transvestite attempting to reconnect with her troubled son. I think she was played by William H. Macy.

Shining Moment:
The chick looks a bit like my little brother.

Sucking Moment:
He'd be a hot little chick.

That's all for this week as a man has just arrived to fondle me.

See ya soon!


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