The big Steven King Book review post!
I've been meaning to do this for a long time (about fifteen minutes ago), so let's get started!
Carrie
Message: Don't fuck with ugly chicks.
Rating: C+
Cujo
Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass dog. These people are stupid.
Rating: B-
Christine
Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass car. They're essentially correct.
Rating: D
Firestarter
I can barely remember reading this, and that's probably for the best.
Rating: D- (Plus the movie had Drew Barrymore! And that was in their favour!)
Tommy Knockers
I thought that this was about this guy named Tommy who kept getting the shit kicked out of him. It turned out that it was about pop machines who murdered people. So we'll call it a draw.
Rating: C+
Thinner
The title refers to the page count. It seems that Stephen's legendary verbal diarrhea stalled somewhat on this installment. I suggest you eat the pie.
Rating: D+
The Talisman (See also Black House)
Only 50% percent King, only 50% good.
Rating: C
The Gunslinger
Worst. Opening. Chapter. Ever. Although it does have a bird that has a name vaguely like a GI Joe character.
Rating: D-
The Drawing of the Three
That's what I'm talking about! Finally a reason to read the pretentiously bad first installment of the series.
Rating: B+
The Waste Lands
Oh, Blaine! You crazy Mono. Won't you ever learn when a door is not a door?
Rating: A-
Wizard and Glass
My personal favourite. The thinny. The Big Coffin Hunters. In his voice he heard two things; youth and truth. Oooooohhhh...I get chills. In my pants.
Rating: A+
Wolves of the Calla
Forgettable, but gets bonus points for having Dr. Doom in it.
Rating: B-
Song of Susannah
Susannah can't sing for shit.
Rating: C-
The Dark Tower
"Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came...and it was crap".
Rating: C
The Dark Half
I loved this book because I always pictured George Stark as Razor Ramon. And Razor Ramon kicks ass.
Rating: B+
Cell
Stupid Kyle can't finish a friggin' book. Otherwise, the first 100 pages could be the most action packed he's ever written. Also, cell-phones suck.
Rating: B-
The Stand
If you've ever dreamed of a guy who looks vaguely like Elvis reaming some guy in the ass with a handgun, wait no further!
Rating: A (but not because of the handgun reaming portion, at least, not all because of it)
It
Almost like a Ronald Dahl book, but with more kid sex. But not too much more.
Rating: B+
Needful Things
I need some things. Like more Stephen King Novels! Whooo! Also, he describes a hard-on as a branch, and I can totally see that.
Pet Cemetary
People shouldn't play God. Or live next to a highway.
Rating: A-
The Eyes of the Dragon
Dollhouses are awesome. Same goes for the King's iron. Huh, huh.
Rating: A+
That's all for volume one of this new ongoing series!
Stay tuned next time for reviews of such books as Delores Clairborne (hint: it sucks).
Carrie
Message: Don't fuck with ugly chicks.
Rating: C+
Cujo
Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass dog. These people are stupid.
Rating: B-
Christine
Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass car. They're essentially correct.
Rating: D
Firestarter
I can barely remember reading this, and that's probably for the best.
Rating: D- (Plus the movie had Drew Barrymore! And that was in their favour!)
Tommy Knockers
I thought that this was about this guy named Tommy who kept getting the shit kicked out of him. It turned out that it was about pop machines who murdered people. So we'll call it a draw.
Rating: C+
Thinner
The title refers to the page count. It seems that Stephen's legendary verbal diarrhea stalled somewhat on this installment. I suggest you eat the pie.
Rating: D+
The Talisman (See also Black House)
Only 50% percent King, only 50% good.
Rating: C
The Gunslinger
Worst. Opening. Chapter. Ever. Although it does have a bird that has a name vaguely like a GI Joe character.
Rating: D-
The Drawing of the Three
That's what I'm talking about! Finally a reason to read the pretentiously bad first installment of the series.
Rating: B+
The Waste Lands
Oh, Blaine! You crazy Mono. Won't you ever learn when a door is not a door?
Rating: A-
Wizard and Glass
My personal favourite. The thinny. The Big Coffin Hunters. In his voice he heard two things; youth and truth. Oooooohhhh...I get chills. In my pants.
Rating: A+
Wolves of the Calla
Forgettable, but gets bonus points for having Dr. Doom in it.
Rating: B-
Song of Susannah
Susannah can't sing for shit.
Rating: C-
The Dark Tower
"Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came...and it was crap".
Rating: C
The Dark Half
I loved this book because I always pictured George Stark as Razor Ramon. And Razor Ramon kicks ass.
Rating: B+
Cell
Stupid Kyle can't finish a friggin' book. Otherwise, the first 100 pages could be the most action packed he's ever written. Also, cell-phones suck.
Rating: B-
The Stand
If you've ever dreamed of a guy who looks vaguely like Elvis reaming some guy in the ass with a handgun, wait no further!
Rating: A (but not because of the handgun reaming portion, at least, not all because of it)
It
Almost like a Ronald Dahl book, but with more kid sex. But not too much more.
Rating: B+
Needful Things
I need some things. Like more Stephen King Novels! Whooo! Also, he describes a hard-on as a branch, and I can totally see that.
Pet Cemetary
People shouldn't play God. Or live next to a highway.
Rating: A-
The Eyes of the Dragon
Dollhouses are awesome. Same goes for the King's iron. Huh, huh.
Rating: A+
That's all for volume one of this new ongoing series!
Stay tuned next time for reviews of such books as Delores Clairborne (hint: it sucks).
posted by doogie at 4:00 PM
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