Thursday, January 20, 2011

Movies Nowadays Are Terrible!

Our household is much happier now that Netflix has come to town. It gives me the opportunity to see classic mediocre movies of yesteryear, and unpopular, terrible movies of today. Let's review a handful of the creme de la creme* of their selection.

*literally, seize the day.

Robot Jox

From the director of Space Truckers, comes a robot pile of shit!

But they are really piloted by humans. So I don't know what to believe anymore.

Shining Moment

Is it possible that the glorious mispelling of Jox could be the best thing about this movie?

No, it is not.

The best thing about this movie is that it has a robot chainsaw penis.

Sucking Moment

Cult hero and star of Reanimator, Jeffrey Combs, makes a 10 second long appearance in the film and speaks one line.

He is listed second on the movie poster.

Terry Fator's Puppet Bullshit

I'm too lazy to find out what it was actually called, plus, I wasn't really paying attention. I remember puppets.

Shining Moment

Who said that Ventriloquism is dead?

It's not, but it has been raped a few times!

Sucking Moment

A puppet telling a joke is the opposite of a puppet murdering a baby: it's not funny.


Should change its name to Thanks-(for all the boobs)killing.

Shining Moment

In the first two minutes, a topless woman is stabbed to death by a turkey.

His line:

"Nice Tits, Bitch."

Sucking Moment

There is only so many times you can rewind those two minutes before your wife gets mad at you and asks you to stop.

Wuthering Heights

Wuther is a British term used to describe a fierce blowing wind. I can assure you that this movie wuthered pretty hard.

Shining Moment

Stars both Tom Hardy; the newly cast Bane in the next Batman film, and Andrew Lincoln; star of the new hit series The Walking Dead.

Sucking Moment

They have stupid accents for jerks.

The Butterfly Effect

Based upon the premise that if you could go back in time and make the slightest change, you could drastically change a variety of outcomes. Or you could just try dynamite.


Shining Moment

Produced a sequel (but, then again, so did Robot Jox*).

*Robot Joxes

Sucking Moment

Many will point to this movie and laugh at the poor acting, tortured screenplay, and massive leaps in logical continuity...

That is all.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

This was initially pushed back because of a competing project from Michael Bay, Mega Giant Sharktopus. That film was eventually renamed and released as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Shining Moment

The part when Mega Octopus fuses with the White Ranger to become Mega Zord Octopus.

Sucking Moment

Drastically overestimates the threat of the Mega Octopus.

Mega Octopus - "Hey look at me! I'm squishy, have 8 arms, and basically look like an inside out anus!"

Giant Shark - "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

Mega Octopus - "Hmm..." (starts giving out handjobs to Giant Shark and all his friends)

Hope you enjoyed this batch of reviews! I certainly enjoyed procrastinating from my more urgent tasks as I did it!



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