Friday, March 30, 2007

The Fabulous Return of the Movie Blog!

Why is it Fabulous?

Because 300 is in it (and 300 is pretty gay).

So, with the obligatory 300 gay joke out of the way, let's do it to it!

Blades of Glory

This movie is about a bunch of vampire hunters who took part in the American Civil War. Starring Matthew Broderick and Wesley Snipes.

Here is a snippet of sample dialogue from the film.

Col. Robert Gould Shaw: I've got a funny little moustache... and lots of conflicting emotions!

Blade: Rargh! Me too!

Col. Robert Gould Shaw: (Shyly) I like your sword.

Blade: Grrrr... I like your sword too.

Guy that Morgan Freeman Played: Can't you too just admit that you love each other?

Soft Music Plays...

Just kidding! This is really about what would happen if Napoleon Dynamite met Anchorman and they gave each other blowjobs.

Shining Moment:

Less Gay than 300

Sucking Moment:

But not by much... (Okay so I couldn't help it with the 300 jokes).

Dead Silence

Just say the title out loud.

Now picture trying to sell this concept to a group of investors.

Investor: Sounds pretty stupid. Whaddya gonna call it?

Screenwriter: Okay. (Pauses and takes a deep breath) Dead Silence.

(A hearty and deep round of laughter)

Investor: (wiping tears from his eyes) Ha, man, you're SO fired.

Shining Moment:

The part where I remember I have Puppetmaster on DVD.

Sucking Moment:

The most wooden acting since Keanu Reeves in whatever his last movie was. Maybe it was Dead Silence. Who cares... Nobody. That's who.


Some say that Eddie Murphy lost out on the Oscar because of the concurrent release of his decidedly non-award worthy Norbit. But I blame it on Vampire in Brooklyn*.

Shining Moment:
The Oscar Worthy acting chops of Eddie Murphy and Embittered American Idol Loser.

Sucking Moment:
Imagine how much better it'd be if Martin Lawrence was in it! In a fat suit!

A piece of sample dialogue...

Beyonce: I'm the star!

American Idol Loser: Pfft. Tell that to my Oscar.

Big Momma from Big Momma's House: Oh, Snap!

Danny Glover: I'm getting too old for this shit.

*In fact, I blame everything on Vampire in Brooklyn! Sore throat? Vampire in Brooklyn! Erectile Dysfunction? Oh, you better know that that's Vampire in Brooklyn! The film Vampire in Brooklyn? Vampire in Brooklyn.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

The movie that makes me fall asleep*.

Shining Moment:

The barley was pretty nice.

Sucking Moment:

Until it got all windy and terrible.

*Alternates include: The Title That Is Really Boring or The Hand That Rocks The Cradle... amongst the barley.


I didn't bother to go see this movie because I had a feeling it would suck.

Oooh! I should write a screenplay!

Shining Moment:

It turns out that Doctor Doom was behind the whole thing!

Sucking Moment:


It doesn't really turn out that Doctor Doom was behind the whole thing.

Whoah! I need a break. Tune back in soon for more reviews... and even more jokes about 300!


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