Thursday, September 08, 2005

Movies? You're soaking in 'em!

Fuck you.

I've been busy.

We'll start off this weeks installment with (Shit! I'm a little rusty...) of "Hey, that's my asshole!", or as it is commonly known "It may look like an asshole, but it is actually the newest Terry Gilliam movie and this is the portion of the article where his film is ridiculed".

The Brothers Grimm has a lot to like about it. There are numerous funny noises and bright flashes that could keep a dog entertained for hours. In fact, had my dog been allowed in the theatre, this could have been an entirely different experience!

Imagine, Hudson and I, roaming up and down the aisles, snorking down bits of dropped popcorn and Milk-Duds, playing my panicked version of "what the hell did the dog just eat?", and watching Hudson launch himself at other patrons groin's like some kind of furry testicle-seeking guided missile.

Plus, the whole time I could be enamored with the rich visual tapestry that Terry Gilliam has hung, like salted and decaying pig-entrails, upon the silver screen; His rich vision of the Grimm fairy tales befouling my sight, like coming upon the murder scene of something you once treasured.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that my dog did not attend this film with me, and as a whole, the film was somewhat less enjoyable.

Essentially, the film needed a plot... A Burial Plot!


Shining Moment:
We were late so we missed the ads at the beginning.

Sucking Moment:
We weren't so late as to miss the entirety of the film.

Sucking Moment 2:
Little Red Riding Hood's cloak was found, like, thirty feet up in the goddamn trees. So the wolf can freakin' fly? Hunh? Assholes.

Really Sucking Moment:
Magic FUCKING Beans. Seriously?

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

If The Exorcist met The Ring and had a baby, it'd be really cool.

Shining Moment:
The parts that were like The Exorcist and The Ring.

Sucking Moment:
The parts that were like The Exorcist II and The Ring 2.

The Man

The Constant Gardener
Ralph Fiennes stars in another critically embraced "tour-de-force" (Literally, tour of force. Wait, that can't be right.) that I will never watch. Ever.

I been able to discern that it features someone (or something! That would be awesome. If it turned out that this was really the newest AirBud movie and in this movie he becomes a gardener and has to take his mismatched, ragtag group of gardeners, headed by the sour oldest member of the gardening club, played by Fiennes, to the state championships, where Fiennes meets a single mother, played by Rachel Weisz, who adopts AirBud for her precocious 11 year old, played by my girlfriend, and AirBud teaches the sour Gardener that gardening isn't just about championships but also family and so he marries the single mother and in a clever twist, a dog that we saw very early on and that we could tell was up to no good because it did this thing with his eyes is later seen frolicking with Air Bud who is then revealed to be pregnant, and eventually AirBud dies, but we learn things.).

Ahem. Sorry.

In a nutshell, it is a film about someone constantly gardening, like my grandmother*.

*when she isn't constantly watching Grumpy Old Men. In fact, I'd be more likely to watch a movie called Constantly Watching Grumpy Old Men. Here is a sample of dialogue from my script proposal (soon to be a major motion picture, from Fox).

Old Man 1: Hey, is that Grumpy Old Men?

Old Man 2: (Dies).

Old Man 1: Heh. That feller sure is funny.


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