More funny things from Erin!

Upon seeing super-expensive lemonade at the farmers market:

Erin looks at a bottle and frowns.

"That's a lot of money for something that is just going to be pee."

I guess if you look at it that way, she's right.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

More hilarious things my wife says.

Upon smelling a fart in the bedroom:

"Did you fart?" asks my wife.

"No" I respond innocently (and accurately!).

She looks around then glares at me.

"Well, it wasn't me," she replies, "I just took a giant shit downstairs".

She is my delicate flower.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Movies Nowadays Are Terrible!

Our household is much happier now that Netflix has come to town. It gives me the opportunity to see classic mediocre movies of yesteryear, and unpopular, terrible movies of today. Let's review a handful of the creme de la creme* of their selection.

*literally, seize the day.

Robot Jox

From the director of Space Truckers, comes a robot pile of shit!

But they are really piloted by humans. So I don't know what to believe anymore.

Shining Moment

Is it possible that the glorious mispelling of Jox could be the best thing about this movie?

No, it is not.

The best thing about this movie is that it has a robot chainsaw penis.

Sucking Moment

Cult hero and star of Reanimator, Jeffrey Combs, makes a 10 second long appearance in the film and speaks one line.

He is listed second on the movie poster.

Terry Fator's Puppet Bullshit

I'm too lazy to find out what it was actually called, plus, I wasn't really paying attention. I remember puppets.

Shining Moment

Who said that Ventriloquism is dead?

It's not, but it has been raped a few times!

Sucking Moment

A puppet telling a joke is the opposite of a puppet murdering a baby: it's not funny.

Thankskilling

Should change its name to Thanks-(for all the boobs)killing.

Shining Moment

In the first two minutes, a topless woman is stabbed to death by a turkey.

His line:

"Nice Tits, Bitch."

Sucking Moment

There is only so many times you can rewind those two minutes before your wife gets mad at you and asks you to stop.

Wuthering Heights

Wuther is a British term used to describe a fierce blowing wind. I can assure you that this movie wuthered pretty hard.

Shining Moment

Stars both Tom Hardy; the newly cast Bane in the next Batman film, and Andrew Lincoln; star of the new hit series The Walking Dead.

Sucking Moment

They have stupid accents for jerks.

The Butterfly Effect

Based upon the premise that if you could go back in time and make the slightest change, you could drastically change a variety of outcomes. Or you could just try dynamite.

Subtle.

Shining Moment

Produced a sequel (but, then again, so did Robot Jox*).

*Robot Joxes

Sucking Moment

Many will point to this movie and laugh at the poor acting, tortured screenplay, and massive leaps in logical continuity...

That is all.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

This was initially pushed back because of a competing project from Michael Bay, Mega Giant Sharktopus. That film was eventually renamed and released as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Shining Moment

The part when Mega Octopus fuses with the White Ranger to become Mega Zord Octopus.

Sucking Moment

Drastically overestimates the threat of the Mega Octopus.

Mega Octopus - "Hey look at me! I'm squishy, have 8 arms, and basically look like an inside out anus!"

Giant Shark - "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

Mega Octopus - "Hmm..." (starts giving out handjobs to Giant Shark and all his friends)

Hope you enjoyed this batch of reviews! I certainly enjoyed procrastinating from my more urgent tasks as I did it!

Fun with Telemarketers!

I was just sitting watching So You Think You Can Dance in bed when the phone rings.

Telemarketer: Can I have a moment of your time to talk to you about disability insurance?

Me: Sorry, there's a half-naked black man in front of me right now.

Telemarketer: Oh.

Silence...

Telemarketer: When would be a more appropriate time to call back?

Me: (Click)

Thanksgiving Movie Post!

I found this classic (if a turd could somehow be considered classic) movie post sitting on my blog unposted.

Here it is cause I'm lazy!


Grindhouse

The blockbuster duo of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez combine to pay tribute to the low budget, little watched "Grindhouse" films of their youth by making two high budget, little watched films of their own.

Shining Moment:

Quentin Tarintino is known for revitalizing forgotten actors careers...



Sucking Moment:

Sorry, Michael Biehn; he can't work miracles (but I wish it could!).



Perfect Stranger



This is the film remake of a popular 80's TV Show. Bruce Willis plays the titular sheepherder from the island of Mypos.



Shining Moment:



It isn't really a remake of Perfect Strangers.



Sucking Moment:



It's worse (and it doesn't even have Bronson Pinchot in it!).



The Condemned



Stone Cold follows in the footsteps of the most popular action heroes of all time, like Ice T and Homer Simpson, and plays in "the most dangerous game"*.



Shining Moment:



I've heard that Stone Cold delivers a stunner (a thoughtful monologue on the existence of evil in the universe).



Sucking Moment:



The Condemned actually refers to... um... your mom. I guess.

RARGH! Rob, Smash!

Rob spent the night on my couch in the basement after a particuarly raucous Friday night.

He was gone when I woke up but not without leaving me a small token of appreciation for my hospitality.

I awoke to find that the door to my basement had a large, bear-sized hole where there once was only wood.

It appears that Rob, upon awakening in the night with an urge to urinate, found himself struck with a thorny problem.

Here he faced an insumountable barrier, made of wood and a locking mechanism too complex for his liquor-addled brain to grasp.

With a mighty roar, he charged through the obstacle. Shaking the splinters off his Guns and Roses T-shirt, he grunted his approval as he looked back at the destruction his passage wrought.

So anyway, Rob owes me a door.

Woof!

I'm finding it hard to write tonight because I am chaperoning a dog orgy.

Or at least trying to.

I have two female Labs here and a Male Golden Retriever.

The Male is humping both of them (with little success, I should add, due to his complete lack of male parts).

One of the females is humping the other female.

It's like a dog version of Wild Things.

The only difference is that Rob isn't here, touching himself.

The Generation Gap

I was taking Erin's parents and assorted other family through our new house the other day.

Our house is old and is filled with interesting nooks and crannies in every room.

Her family nodded approvingly as I pointed out the various features of the home.

We were making our way to the basement when I heard her mother exclaim "Oh, you have a glory hole!"

"Pardon me?"

"A glory hole!" She clapped her hands together, "My sister and I use to play in them all the time when we were little girls!"

I shrugged.

"We used to spend hours in that thing..." She looked up dreamily.

"Uh, Yeah, " I continued, "We'll probably want to keep the kids out of the glory hole."

Sound advice, I think.

The Fabulous Return of the Movie Blog!

Why is it Fabulous?

Because 300 is in it (and 300 is pretty gay).

So, with the obligatory 300 gay joke out of the way, let's do it to it!

Blades of Glory

This movie is about a bunch of vampire hunters who took part in the American Civil War. Starring Matthew Broderick and Wesley Snipes.

Here is a snippet of sample dialogue from the film.

Col. Robert Gould Shaw: I've got a funny little moustache... and lots of conflicting emotions!

Blade: Rargh! Me too!

Col. Robert Gould Shaw: (Shyly) I like your sword.

Blade: Grrrr... I like your sword too.

Guy that Morgan Freeman Played: Can't you too just admit that you love each other?

Soft Music Plays...

Just kidding! This is really about what would happen if Napoleon Dynamite met Anchorman and they gave each other blowjobs.

Shining Moment:

Less Gay than 300

Sucking Moment:

But not by much... (Okay so I couldn't help it with the 300 jokes).

Dead Silence

Just say the title out loud.

Now picture trying to sell this concept to a group of investors.

Investor: Sounds pretty stupid. Whaddya gonna call it?

Screenwriter: Okay. (Pauses and takes a deep breath) Dead Silence.

(A hearty and deep round of laughter)

Investor: (wiping tears from his eyes) Ha, man, you're SO fired.

Shining Moment:

The part where I remember I have Puppetmaster on DVD.

Sucking Moment:

The most wooden acting since Keanu Reeves in whatever his last movie was. Maybe it was Dead Silence. Who cares... Nobody. That's who.

Dreamgirls

Some say that Eddie Murphy lost out on the Oscar because of the concurrent release of his decidedly non-award worthy Norbit. But I blame it on Vampire in Brooklyn*.

Shining Moment:
The Oscar Worthy acting chops of Eddie Murphy and Embittered American Idol Loser.

Sucking Moment:
Imagine how much better it'd be if Martin Lawrence was in it! In a fat suit!

A piece of sample dialogue...

Beyonce: I'm the star!

American Idol Loser: Pfft. Tell that to my Oscar.

Big Momma from Big Momma's House: Oh, Snap!

Danny Glover: I'm getting too old for this shit.

*In fact, I blame everything on Vampire in Brooklyn! Sore throat? Vampire in Brooklyn! Erectile Dysfunction? Oh, you better know that that's Vampire in Brooklyn! The film Vampire in Brooklyn? Vampire in Brooklyn.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

The movie that makes me fall asleep*.

Shining Moment:

The barley was pretty nice.

Sucking Moment:

Until it got all windy and terrible.

*Alternates include: The Title That Is Really Boring or The Hand That Rocks The Cradle... amongst the barley.

Premonition

I didn't bother to go see this movie because I had a feeling it would suck.

Oooh! I should write a screenplay!

Shining Moment:

It turns out that Doctor Doom was behind the whole thing!

Sucking Moment:

SPOILER ALERT!

It doesn't really turn out that Doctor Doom was behind the whole thing.

Whoah! I need a break. Tune back in soon for more reviews... and even more jokes about 300!

One more from Erin

My fiancee has a long history of spewing the most nonsensical hilarity when she is sleepy (or wide awake).

The other night we had just gone to bed and I asked how she felt about some, uh, how do you say... intimacy.

She turned to me.

"That sounds like a great idea" She smiled perkily, "You should bring it to the brainstorming committee meeting tomorrow and we'll discuss it with everyone".

Then she turned over and went to sleep.

Awesome. Just... wow.

More Goofy Shit from Erin...

I just heard this riveting tale from Erin.

A homeless person came up to her and a friend at a bus-stop.

The homeless person shuffled around for a moment.

She turned to Erin and her friend and asked "Can I have some money?"

Erin and her friend were unmoved.

The homeless person adds "...For city cleanup?"

Erin gives her five bucks.

She stuffs the money in her pocket and shuffles away.

Erin turns to her friend.

"I don't think she's going to use that money for city cleanup..."

Well, duh...

Grand Theft Auto: For Realz

I was in San Francisco recently and I was able to do a little sightseeing.

My fiancee, Erin, and I were taking a stroll from the market district to Fisherman's Wharf. The walk was long and we decided it would be a great opportunity to try out one of those famous cable cars.

It was a sunny day in San Fran and the line up was packed with smiling tourists and excited kids. We lined up in the queue and waited as the trolley pulled up.

We were the last two to make it on the trolley and we made our way to an open section of floor where we could stand and look out the window at the beautiful sights of San Francisco.

It was just then that I remembered where I recognized this place from!

Grand Theft Auto! The city was completely identical.

I whispered this over to Erin, but she couldn't hear me over the buzz of the trolley and its assembled guests. She shrugged quizzically.

I shouted over the rabble in order to be heard.

"I said that I stabbed some guy over there!", I beamed, "then I shot a cop in the face!"

The bus quieted down quickly. I gave a reassuring laugh and mumbled something about video games to the driver. We got off at the next stop and Erin punched me in the neck.

I deserved it.

Yeah, that's not it.

A co-worker (and if you've read the blog before you'd probably be able to guess which one) asked me the other day how many beer were in a 2-4 (pronounced two-four).

I thought he was pulling my leg.

"How many do you think are in it?" I quizzed him.

He looked up, calculated for a moment, held up two fingers on one hand and four on the other.

A pregnant pause as he deliberated. He looked down and brought his hands to his sides.

"Six" he said.

The big Steven King Book review post!

I've been meaning to do this for a long time (about fifteen minutes ago), so let's get started!

Carrie
Message: Don't fuck with ugly chicks.

Rating: C+

Cujo
Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass dog. These people are stupid.

Rating: B-

Christine
Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass car. They're essentially correct.

Rating: D

Firestarter
I can barely remember reading this, and that's probably for the best.

Rating: D- (Plus the movie had Drew Barrymore! And that was in their favour!)

Tommy Knockers
I thought that this was about this guy named Tommy who kept getting the shit kicked out of him. It turned out that it was about pop machines who murdered people. So we'll call it a draw.

Rating: C+

Thinner
The title refers to the page count. It seems that Stephen's legendary verbal diarrhea stalled somewhat on this installment. I suggest you eat the pie.

Rating: D+

The Talisman (See also Black House)
Only 50% percent King, only 50% good.

Rating: C

The Gunslinger
Worst. Opening. Chapter. Ever. Although it does have a bird that has a name vaguely like a GI Joe character.

Rating: D-

The Drawing of the Three
That's what I'm talking about! Finally a reason to read the pretentiously bad first installment of the series.

Rating: B+

The Waste Lands
Oh, Blaine! You crazy Mono. Won't you ever learn when a door is not a door?

Rating: A-

Wizard and Glass
My personal favourite. The thinny. The Big Coffin Hunters. In his voice he heard two things; youth and truth. Oooooohhhh...I get chills. In my pants.

Rating: A+

Wolves of the Calla
Forgettable, but gets bonus points for having Dr. Doom in it.

Rating: B-

Song of Susannah
Susannah can't sing for shit.

Rating: C-

The Dark Tower
"Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came...and it was crap".

Rating: C

The Dark Half
I loved this book because I always pictured George Stark as Razor Ramon. And Razor Ramon kicks ass.

Rating: B+

Cell
Stupid Kyle can't finish a friggin' book. Otherwise, the first 100 pages could be the most action packed he's ever written. Also, cell-phones suck.

Rating: B-

The Stand
If you've ever dreamed of a guy who looks vaguely like Elvis reaming some guy in the ass with a handgun, wait no further!

Rating: A (but not because of the handgun reaming portion, at least, not all because of it)

It
Almost like a Ronald Dahl book, but with more kid sex. But not too much more.

Rating: B+

Needful Things
I need some things. Like more Stephen King Novels! Whooo! Also, he describes a hard-on as a branch, and I can totally see that.

Pet Cemetary
People shouldn't play God. Or live next to a highway.

Rating: A-

The Eyes of the Dragon
Dollhouses are awesome. Same goes for the King's iron. Huh, huh.

Rating: A+

That's all for volume one of this new ongoing series!

Stay tuned next time for reviews of such books as Delores Clairborne (hint: it sucks).

Oh Baby!

This one time Rob was at staying at a cottage with his family.

You should probably know that Rob has a large family.

You should probably know that Rob has an awesome snoring problem.

Oh, and a voraciously decadent sexual imagination.

And he talks in his sleep.

Suffice to say that the family was awokened by the following outbursts:

"Oh Baby (snrgghhhhh)!!!!!"

"Oh Yeah (snort, srghhhh)!!!!!!"

"Oh, Baby, Yeah (grghhhhh)!!!!!!!

His dad tried to buy him his own separate cottage, but they were all sold out.

And that, my friends, is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

The Music Post: Or "Everything Old is New Again...and Crappy."

Will this be the year that popular music takes me back into their sweet loving arms?

What do you friggin' think?

Red Hot Chili Dogs, Stadium Arcadium
Now I can appreciate a band who doesn't give a shit about putting the same album out every few years. That's the reason I bought it in the first place!

Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam (Subtitled: Pearl Jam)
These up and comers sound much like this band I used to like. Except with throat cancer.

Nelly Furtado, Loose
Didn't she just have a baby? Oh... I'm not doing that joke.

Busta Rhymes, The Big Bang
Christian Scientist have been up in arms about this album, stating "Jehovah" this, and "Jericho" that. Oh wait, he probably means something about sex. Well, either way, I bet Christians are pretty upset.

Shakira, Oral Fixation Vol II
Huh Huh, huh...heh.

Nickelback, All The Right Reasons
Money? Yeah, it's probably money. Oops, sorry. Money-eaghhhhh!

Pussycat Dolls, PCD
The album is named after the strange new venereal disease you can get by sleeping with the members of the pussycat dolls. Get tested.

James Blunt, Back to Bedlam
Bedlam. That's just what I think of when I think of James Blunt.

Nick Lachey, What's Left of Me
Dude, you suck.

Toby Keith, White Trash with Money
At least he's honest. And Gay.

My favourite song on the Pearl Jam album is the one that sounds like U2. And that's saying something.

It is saying that U2 sounds better than Pearl Jam.

So there.